Uwakmfon UdehAs the curtains close on a supposedly special month, I’m wondering how I got here. I’ll try to explain.
The best way to describe this month would be really “high highs” and extremely “low lows” and I can’t fathom how the 2 can co-exist so seamlessly at times.
When I started my medical residency a few months ago, I was filled with faith but oh so terrified. How can I ever measure up? Imposter syndrome accompanied my every waking moment. So when a few weeks ago, I performed my first C-Section from start to finish as the 1st Operator, one would expect that nothing could kick me off such wave of excitement.
But oh was I wrong!
My mental fortitude took a nosedive in the last few days and I found myself wishing for another kind of life, another journey, anything but my own. This of course is plain foolishness but tell that to my weary heart.
What A Friend We Have In Jesus!
I searched my heart occasionally for the root cause of this “weariness or sadness” that I’d been feeling and it eluded me. However, as I prepared for another dreadful walk to work through the snow one dark winter morning with only my thoughts to keep me company, I realised what was wrong.
It was definitely not comparison, I deliberated on that for a while. Comparison is a thief of joy and my lack of the latter made me consider it but I made up my mind a while ago to focus on my path and my God. So what could it be?
Then like a light bulb moment, I realised that it was its’ equally dangerous cousin : Impatience. Impatience with my process, my journey, my lot. I know that to be uncomfortable with where one is at can spur one to greater things but there is the extreme that leaves no room for acknowledgement of any form of progress. All that this extreme sees is the “more” that can be done or the very long journey ahead paved with difficulties completely forgetting the battles already won.
Let me be clear: NOTHING SHOWS YOU GODS’ ASSUREDNESS OF HIS FAITHFULNESS IN YOUR FUTURE LIKE HIS FAITHFULNESS IN THE PAST.
So, as my soul struggled to stay afloat, I felt the Spirt of the Lord whispering in my heart again to submit to the process, to swim with the tide and not against it . The beauty of every journey is not always the destination but the stops along the way, the points where against all odds, you find yourself with one foot in front of the other. I felt him say to my heart once again: Crawl for as long as needed till your wings are strong enough because one day, you will surely fly.
And so, I’d like to end with some parts of a song that I love to encourage anyone out there with these same feelings I’ve grappled with as this month comes to end:
Pushing past the fear, fighting to believe
He is making ways for me
And He won’t let me down, never ever leave
He’s still making ways for me.
When my heart is full of doubt
It feels like faith is running out
I’ve come too far to turn back ’round
I know
God will work it out
God will work it out
One thing I know
One thing I’ve found, no, I know
God will work it out.
I pray that your heart finds succour in these words and I hope to write to you again soon xx
